3/17/11

Today, my baby girl is one month old. An entire month has flown by! She is such a strong girl and I feel so incredibly blessed that she is ours. She has been gaining weight and is now up to 3lbs 5ozs. That's quite a dramatic jump from her 2lb 3oz birth weight. I can tell she looks different, her face has become round and her body has gone from wrinkly to filled out. She is doing so well on her feedings and the doctors continue to increase her feeding amounts so she can get the calories she needs to grow. She went up a diaper size from teeny tiny to tiny (lol), she got switched to a nasal canula from vapotherm, and all the nurses that take care of her say how much she's grown since the last time they saw her.

Being that today is her one month birthday, so many thoughts and emotions run through my mind. Many of them take me back to scary times...the fear I felt when my water broke in the middle of the night, being told I would have to stay in the hospital on bedrest until she was born, the stress of being on bedrest for 9 days and constantly losing water, the feeling of complete desperation while having severe contractions on the day of her birth and knowing it was too early for her to come, being so incredibly worried about whether or not she would live during and soon after giving birth to her, trying to figure out the NICU and actually living here, her 3 blood transfusions, feeding intolerances and bowel issues, breathing support machines, monitors beeping constantly, jaundice, x-rays every morning, IVs and PICC lines in and out. I've watched her fight for her life on a daily basis and felt so helpless as I wait for other people to care for her since I can't do anything to help make it better. It has been very trying and difficult to have my baby in this situation, wanting to take away her pain, wishing she wouldn't have been born so soon, hoping her health issues down the road are minimal, wondering when she will be able to come home with us.

The past month has been hard, but I know that with the bad comes the good...the excitement I felt when we found out it was a girl, imagining how cute she would be and she followed through more than I could've ever expected, seeing her face and touching her head and feet to soothe her, holding her little body on my chest for the first time and everytime since then, watching her open those beautiful eyes, her finger holding onto mine, hearing the doctors talk about her positive progress, realizing how strong of a little girl she truly is, being able to be here in the NICU for her constantly, trusting the doctors and nurses who are fully capable of keeping her safe, watching my husband with her and knowing she has him wrapped around her tiny little finger (both of us actually). I couldn't have asked for more.

I now understand what it means to be a Mom, to want to give everything you have for your child. I'd trade places with her in an instant if I could. Becoming a Mom has led us down a different and more difficult road than I thought we'd be on, but it is the road we are on together. It gets better every day because she makes it better. She keeps us going. I stay strong for her because I know how hard she is fighting to survive...and I am fighting right along with her. I've never seen a face more beautiful than hers. I never thought I could feel so complete.

Happy one month birthday to my sweet baby girl! I love her so much and I am so grateful for her. She is a true gift from heaven above!!!

3/10/11

Emersyn is 3 weeks old today. It's amazing to me that I gave birth 3 weeks ago. On one hand, 3 weeks seems like so long ago and so much has happened since then, but the drama and emotion from that day are still so fresh in my mind. Our ride on the rollercoaster continues. She had some difficulty with feeds for a few days due to a bowel distention on x-ray so the feedings were stopped. The doctor resumed her feedings yesterday after the x-ray looked ok, and she seems to be doing better. This morning she was given an enema to help get her bowels moving. Probably wasn't a good idea for me to do kangaroo care right afterwards. I held her for almost 3 hours, and when the nurse took her off my chest there was poop on me and her diaper was full. I was glad the enema helped rather than being grossed out. Won't be the last time she poops on me either so guess I better get used to it! Brian's Dad is still here and his sister Kym flew in last night from New Mexico. My first time to meet his sister and Kym's first time to meet Em. My family is all out of town for the most part (parents and 2 sisters/fam in Orlando and another sister/fam in Grand Cayman). It has been nice to have Brian's family here.

We've taken a few breaks from the hospital for meals and showering, but the majority of time spent is here with the baby. Thankfully there is free internet access or we might have already lost our minds. We upgraded to a larger room yesterday, more space, a flat screen tv and we can have the pullout bed down and still open the bathroom door...quite a difference. I was reluctant to move rooms, but figured it might be worth it since we will be here for 2 more months. Moving all the butterfly and flower wall decals was a pain, but we still have the cutest room here in the NICU. We see alot of familiar faces now that we've had about every nurse and doctor for Em. We do have our favorite nurses, ones that we feel truly listen to us and are better with handling Emersyn...we've chosen a few to be her primary care nurses. Some of the older nurses seem cold and a bit numb to everything here. This might be their job, but it is our baby girl's life...we are not willing to compromise when it comes to her care.

3/3/11

Emersyn is 2 weeks old today and tomorrow will be at 30 weeks gestationally. She is nothing but a gift from heaven. She weighs a mere 2lbs 13oz, but that seems like a lot to us given she has gained 10oz since birth. She is still having bouts of apnea and bradicardia, so she is still on vapotherm breathing support. Her feeding is up to 7mls every 4 hours, on a continuous feed machine. Her head ultrasound today was good with no signs of a brain bleed. There are no signs of infection right now. So much to think about, so many things that could go wrong, so many things that are going right for her. My husband and I couldn't feel more blessed by this tiny angel. She had us from the beginning, wrapped around her very tiny little finger and that is where we will forever stay.

The NICU will be our home for some time longer, as our girl keeps fighting. She is such a strong baby in our eyes. Some of my other girlfriends have had babies since Emersyn was born and are already at home with their little ones, our day to take Em home will come too, we just have to patiently wait until she passes the criteria to be released. We hope she'll be ready to come home in the beginning of May. I can't wait to take care of her the way I envisioned when I found out I was pregnant. We might be able to start holding her twice per day soon, giving us each a chance to hold her everyday rather than every other day like we've been doing.

Brian's Dad made it here last night to finally meet Em, and will be here for the next week. Everyone who sees her in person says she looks so much smaller than in pictures. She is tiny, but she is growing stronger every day. We've been calling her "super-girl". I am constantly amazed by her, that she is ours, that I am finally a Mom. She's all I have ever hoped for, dreamed of. I couldn't be happier to have a family of my own...I've never loved two people more in my life than I do my husband and my baby girl. I am so lucky.

3/1/11

March has finally arrived. Emersyn is 29 weeks and 4 days along gestationally, or 12 days old from birth...confusing as the doctors use both to determine her course of care. She had a rough day Sunday and had lots of apnea spells leading to a blood transfusion and vapotherm breathing support. She is doing better now thankfully. They've stopped her antibiotics for the time being as her labwork has come back without signs of infection and they just turned the humidity off in her incubator. There are so many ups and downs, it is hard to stay calm as her Mom. I haven't gotten much sleep as I feel everytime I close my eyes I think about her. I've tried going to my Mom's twice to sleep, doesn't make a difference as I don't get anymore sleep there then at the hospital. I got to hold her yesterday for Kangaroo Care, I'm so looking forward to her growing stronger so I can hold her every day. It is hard as a new Mom to not be able to hold your child. I can't breastfeed, care for her, hold her whenever I want, bathe and dress her, take her home, comfort her...all I can do is pump breast milk and wait. Every other day I get to Kangaroo, Brian gets his turn the other days...it is hard. The situation is taking a toll on me. This is not the way I imagined my child's first moments here in this world. I wish I could've done something, anything, to prevent my water from breaking, to prevent going into labor, to prevent her from being here in the NICU. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat if I could. Emersyn is our amazing little baby girl. She's proving how strong she is when every day is a struggle. She fights on.