3/17/11

Today, my baby girl is one month old. An entire month has flown by! She is such a strong girl and I feel so incredibly blessed that she is ours. She has been gaining weight and is now up to 3lbs 5ozs. That's quite a dramatic jump from her 2lb 3oz birth weight. I can tell she looks different, her face has become round and her body has gone from wrinkly to filled out. She is doing so well on her feedings and the doctors continue to increase her feeding amounts so she can get the calories she needs to grow. She went up a diaper size from teeny tiny to tiny (lol), she got switched to a nasal canula from vapotherm, and all the nurses that take care of her say how much she's grown since the last time they saw her.

Being that today is her one month birthday, so many thoughts and emotions run through my mind. Many of them take me back to scary times...the fear I felt when my water broke in the middle of the night, being told I would have to stay in the hospital on bedrest until she was born, the stress of being on bedrest for 9 days and constantly losing water, the feeling of complete desperation while having severe contractions on the day of her birth and knowing it was too early for her to come, being so incredibly worried about whether or not she would live during and soon after giving birth to her, trying to figure out the NICU and actually living here, her 3 blood transfusions, feeding intolerances and bowel issues, breathing support machines, monitors beeping constantly, jaundice, x-rays every morning, IVs and PICC lines in and out. I've watched her fight for her life on a daily basis and felt so helpless as I wait for other people to care for her since I can't do anything to help make it better. It has been very trying and difficult to have my baby in this situation, wanting to take away her pain, wishing she wouldn't have been born so soon, hoping her health issues down the road are minimal, wondering when she will be able to come home with us.

The past month has been hard, but I know that with the bad comes the good...the excitement I felt when we found out it was a girl, imagining how cute she would be and she followed through more than I could've ever expected, seeing her face and touching her head and feet to soothe her, holding her little body on my chest for the first time and everytime since then, watching her open those beautiful eyes, her finger holding onto mine, hearing the doctors talk about her positive progress, realizing how strong of a little girl she truly is, being able to be here in the NICU for her constantly, trusting the doctors and nurses who are fully capable of keeping her safe, watching my husband with her and knowing she has him wrapped around her tiny little finger (both of us actually). I couldn't have asked for more.

I now understand what it means to be a Mom, to want to give everything you have for your child. I'd trade places with her in an instant if I could. Becoming a Mom has led us down a different and more difficult road than I thought we'd be on, but it is the road we are on together. It gets better every day because she makes it better. She keeps us going. I stay strong for her because I know how hard she is fighting to survive...and I am fighting right along with her. I've never seen a face more beautiful than hers. I never thought I could feel so complete.

Happy one month birthday to my sweet baby girl! I love her so much and I am so grateful for her. She is a true gift from heaven above!!!