3/17/11

Today, my baby girl is one month old. An entire month has flown by! She is such a strong girl and I feel so incredibly blessed that she is ours. She has been gaining weight and is now up to 3lbs 5ozs. That's quite a dramatic jump from her 2lb 3oz birth weight. I can tell she looks different, her face has become round and her body has gone from wrinkly to filled out. She is doing so well on her feedings and the doctors continue to increase her feeding amounts so she can get the calories she needs to grow. She went up a diaper size from teeny tiny to tiny (lol), she got switched to a nasal canula from vapotherm, and all the nurses that take care of her say how much she's grown since the last time they saw her.

Being that today is her one month birthday, so many thoughts and emotions run through my mind. Many of them take me back to scary times...the fear I felt when my water broke in the middle of the night, being told I would have to stay in the hospital on bedrest until she was born, the stress of being on bedrest for 9 days and constantly losing water, the feeling of complete desperation while having severe contractions on the day of her birth and knowing it was too early for her to come, being so incredibly worried about whether or not she would live during and soon after giving birth to her, trying to figure out the NICU and actually living here, her 3 blood transfusions, feeding intolerances and bowel issues, breathing support machines, monitors beeping constantly, jaundice, x-rays every morning, IVs and PICC lines in and out. I've watched her fight for her life on a daily basis and felt so helpless as I wait for other people to care for her since I can't do anything to help make it better. It has been very trying and difficult to have my baby in this situation, wanting to take away her pain, wishing she wouldn't have been born so soon, hoping her health issues down the road are minimal, wondering when she will be able to come home with us.

The past month has been hard, but I know that with the bad comes the good...the excitement I felt when we found out it was a girl, imagining how cute she would be and she followed through more than I could've ever expected, seeing her face and touching her head and feet to soothe her, holding her little body on my chest for the first time and everytime since then, watching her open those beautiful eyes, her finger holding onto mine, hearing the doctors talk about her positive progress, realizing how strong of a little girl she truly is, being able to be here in the NICU for her constantly, trusting the doctors and nurses who are fully capable of keeping her safe, watching my husband with her and knowing she has him wrapped around her tiny little finger (both of us actually). I couldn't have asked for more.

I now understand what it means to be a Mom, to want to give everything you have for your child. I'd trade places with her in an instant if I could. Becoming a Mom has led us down a different and more difficult road than I thought we'd be on, but it is the road we are on together. It gets better every day because she makes it better. She keeps us going. I stay strong for her because I know how hard she is fighting to survive...and I am fighting right along with her. I've never seen a face more beautiful than hers. I never thought I could feel so complete.

Happy one month birthday to my sweet baby girl! I love her so much and I am so grateful for her. She is a true gift from heaven above!!!

3/10/11

Emersyn is 3 weeks old today. It's amazing to me that I gave birth 3 weeks ago. On one hand, 3 weeks seems like so long ago and so much has happened since then, but the drama and emotion from that day are still so fresh in my mind. Our ride on the rollercoaster continues. She had some difficulty with feeds for a few days due to a bowel distention on x-ray so the feedings were stopped. The doctor resumed her feedings yesterday after the x-ray looked ok, and she seems to be doing better. This morning she was given an enema to help get her bowels moving. Probably wasn't a good idea for me to do kangaroo care right afterwards. I held her for almost 3 hours, and when the nurse took her off my chest there was poop on me and her diaper was full. I was glad the enema helped rather than being grossed out. Won't be the last time she poops on me either so guess I better get used to it! Brian's Dad is still here and his sister Kym flew in last night from New Mexico. My first time to meet his sister and Kym's first time to meet Em. My family is all out of town for the most part (parents and 2 sisters/fam in Orlando and another sister/fam in Grand Cayman). It has been nice to have Brian's family here.

We've taken a few breaks from the hospital for meals and showering, but the majority of time spent is here with the baby. Thankfully there is free internet access or we might have already lost our minds. We upgraded to a larger room yesterday, more space, a flat screen tv and we can have the pullout bed down and still open the bathroom door...quite a difference. I was reluctant to move rooms, but figured it might be worth it since we will be here for 2 more months. Moving all the butterfly and flower wall decals was a pain, but we still have the cutest room here in the NICU. We see alot of familiar faces now that we've had about every nurse and doctor for Em. We do have our favorite nurses, ones that we feel truly listen to us and are better with handling Emersyn...we've chosen a few to be her primary care nurses. Some of the older nurses seem cold and a bit numb to everything here. This might be their job, but it is our baby girl's life...we are not willing to compromise when it comes to her care.

3/3/11

Emersyn is 2 weeks old today and tomorrow will be at 30 weeks gestationally. She is nothing but a gift from heaven. She weighs a mere 2lbs 13oz, but that seems like a lot to us given she has gained 10oz since birth. She is still having bouts of apnea and bradicardia, so she is still on vapotherm breathing support. Her feeding is up to 7mls every 4 hours, on a continuous feed machine. Her head ultrasound today was good with no signs of a brain bleed. There are no signs of infection right now. So much to think about, so many things that could go wrong, so many things that are going right for her. My husband and I couldn't feel more blessed by this tiny angel. She had us from the beginning, wrapped around her very tiny little finger and that is where we will forever stay.

The NICU will be our home for some time longer, as our girl keeps fighting. She is such a strong baby in our eyes. Some of my other girlfriends have had babies since Emersyn was born and are already at home with their little ones, our day to take Em home will come too, we just have to patiently wait until she passes the criteria to be released. We hope she'll be ready to come home in the beginning of May. I can't wait to take care of her the way I envisioned when I found out I was pregnant. We might be able to start holding her twice per day soon, giving us each a chance to hold her everyday rather than every other day like we've been doing.

Brian's Dad made it here last night to finally meet Em, and will be here for the next week. Everyone who sees her in person says she looks so much smaller than in pictures. She is tiny, but she is growing stronger every day. We've been calling her "super-girl". I am constantly amazed by her, that she is ours, that I am finally a Mom. She's all I have ever hoped for, dreamed of. I couldn't be happier to have a family of my own...I've never loved two people more in my life than I do my husband and my baby girl. I am so lucky.

3/1/11

March has finally arrived. Emersyn is 29 weeks and 4 days along gestationally, or 12 days old from birth...confusing as the doctors use both to determine her course of care. She had a rough day Sunday and had lots of apnea spells leading to a blood transfusion and vapotherm breathing support. She is doing better now thankfully. They've stopped her antibiotics for the time being as her labwork has come back without signs of infection and they just turned the humidity off in her incubator. There are so many ups and downs, it is hard to stay calm as her Mom. I haven't gotten much sleep as I feel everytime I close my eyes I think about her. I've tried going to my Mom's twice to sleep, doesn't make a difference as I don't get anymore sleep there then at the hospital. I got to hold her yesterday for Kangaroo Care, I'm so looking forward to her growing stronger so I can hold her every day. It is hard as a new Mom to not be able to hold your child. I can't breastfeed, care for her, hold her whenever I want, bathe and dress her, take her home, comfort her...all I can do is pump breast milk and wait. Every other day I get to Kangaroo, Brian gets his turn the other days...it is hard. The situation is taking a toll on me. This is not the way I imagined my child's first moments here in this world. I wish I could've done something, anything, to prevent my water from breaking, to prevent going into labor, to prevent her from being here in the NICU. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat if I could. Emersyn is our amazing little baby girl. She's proving how strong she is when every day is a struggle. She fights on.

2/23/11

Emersyn is 6 days old today and is doing quite well given her prematurity. She has had ultrasounds of her head and kidneys, x-rays of her stomach and bowels, blood taken daily, breathing support for 3 days, phototherapy for jaundice, etc. She is now being fed breastmilk through a feeding tube. Her nurses had been concerned that she wasn't digesting all of the milk, but that issue may be resolved now that she's had a bowel movement.

Emersyn is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She is 2lbs 6 oz today and has opened her little eyes several times. I swear she recognizes my voice, when I talk to her she turns her head towards my voice and opens her eyes. Holding her is like heaven on earth. She is constantly kicking and moving her hands. She puts her hands up by her face when she sleeps. The nurses refer to her as feisty. She is such a strong baby, and my hope for her is that she continues to gain strength. Every day brings about a new issue, but we are staying positive. I've held her a few times and we are doing kangaroo care, but I am not able to pick her up whenever I'd like. I can't stand to hear her cry, and I'd love to be able to hold her and tell her that everything will be ok. That might be the hardest thing for me about her being here...I want to hold her.

Brian and I have been living in her NICU room. Our space, separated by a curtain from Emersyn's incubator bed and the lights nurses need to tend to her, is a 4x10 cube. We have a recliner and a couch that pulls out into a twin bed. Both are like sleeping on a rock, but we don't want to leave Em at night. We have been showering at my parent's house and then coming right back to the hospital. I am up every few hours eithering check on the baby, watching what the nurses are doing, or from being drenched by the night-sweats plaguing me. Luckily, I get fed for free by the hospital since I am pumping breast milk for the baby. The NICU is our home for the next 2 months, and while it's not comfortable by any means, we are allowed to be here constantly with Em and that is all we want.

We learned last Sunday that Brian has been removed from his deployment. His commander called to notify him, taking into account our child's health and the fact that Brian's mind will be on home affairs rather than the mission overseas. We were in shock for a few days after getting the news. Everything we've been through in the past month was directly because of his deployment and now it was getting reversed? We have been trying to make sense of it all. The news comes with a huge feeling of relief, as I can't imagine going through this NICU experience with my husband half a world away. He will have to resume his job in Dallas next month, but at least then he can visit us on the weekends. It seems as though a higher power was looking out for us, or had decided that we've been through enough already and deserved a break. The past month and a half have been extremely stressful, and I'm so glad I won't have to say goodbye to my husband while our daughter is fighting for her life.

2/20/11

Things have been crazy for the Fox family. I started having contractions the morning of Feb 16th. They were mild and I was given terbutyline and procardia to halt the contractions and allow my uterus to calm down. Brian had planned to head back to Army training that morning but cancelled his flight. The next morning things had calmed so he flew back to the East Coast early on Feb 17th. I was still having sporatic contractions and by 8am they were 9 minutes apart and regular. The Doctor said he wouldn't do anything to halt my labor this time. My last dose of procardia was administered at 2pm and my sisters were checking in constantly. I told them both something didn't feel right and that I thought the contractions were getting stronger and a bit closer together. The problem was that none of my contractions were registering on the monitor. Knowing I wasn't crazy, I vocalized how painful they had become and how I thought something was wrong. Brenda got to the hospital at 3pm and they were 7 minutes apart. The nurse moved the contraction monitor down to my extreme lower abdomen and they were finally able to catch a few to know it was time. The baby girl was ready to be born.
They moved me to a different room that was larger for the actual delivery. It was at that point that the fear and panic set in for me. The doctor checked my cervix and I was dialated to 3cm. Have I mentioned how painful it was everytime they checked my cervix? It was the worst pain I've ever felt. The Doctor decided he wanted me to show a little more progress in labor to start the epidural. I was already in tears from the pain I'd experienced thus far, and knowing how fast the baby was coming, I became a bit hysterical. I thought to my self that I couldn't make it through labor and delivery without an epidural. The NICU team was congregating in the delivery room to set up the transport and their gear for the baby once she was born. The nurses had to take blood from my foot because they couldn't find a decent vein in my arms. The Doctor came back in and marked me for an emergency c-section, saying it was very likely but we'd hope for a vaginal delivery first. The thought of surgery scared me, but then again so did the thought of a natural delivery. Either way, this baby was ready. He checked my cervix and finally decided to let anesthesia start the epidural since I was dialated to 5cm. I had to hunch over the bed and my sisters held me up, trying to take my mind off the pain from the contractions and epidural going in, by talking about our trips to Hawaii and the Dominican Republic. I focused on the pain. My contractions were about 4 mins apart and I could barely breathe through them at this point. They were getting stronger and more painful. She was coming faster. The epidural began to kick in a bit to take the edge off, but it was still another 20 mins until I found relief in the epidural. My legs began to go numb and the contractions dissipated. The Doctor came in to check my cervix yet again and surprise, I was dialated to 10cm.
"Let's have a baby", He said.
My sisters were in shock that I had dialated so quickly. It had only been 2 hours since I moved rooms. The rest of the NICU staff joined the room and prepared for the baby, while the Doctor got into position on his chair with the bright light focused on my lower half. My sister Marsha put the phone up to my ear so Brian could talk to me. I didn't know at the time, but he was on an airport tram during the birth of our girl. They told me to pull my knees to my chest and start pushing. It was an insane moment, I was ready to have our baby girl and yet I didn't realize what was happening. It went by so fast. Another 3 pushes and she was out. The baby girl was out.
The Doctor handed her immediately to the NICU staff and they began working on her. She was intebated with a breathing tube and the NICU team got her stablized over the course of the next 20 minutes. I was so focused on her that I didn't realize what was happening to me. I was hemmoraging, badly. The Doctor demanded for the nurses to get a dose of pitosin and 2 other shots in me immediately. The look of concern on my sisters' faces said it all. I had been so worried about my daughter's entrance into the world and survival that I hadn't thought it possible for anything bad to happen to me. The Doctor was finally able to get my bleeding under control and the NICU team took my baby out of the room and transported her to the NICU. My sisters went with her as I told them to. My parents and sister Kari stayed in my delivery room while I recovered a bit. My lower half was numb for the next 2 hours. All I wanted was to be able to rush to the NICU and see my daughter. My sisters were giving me updates via text message, but I wanted to see her.
2 hours passed and I was able to move my legs enough to get into a wheelchair and go up to the NICU. I was wheeled to her bedside and couldn't believe my eyes. I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life. My daughter was here. She had all sorts of tubes inserted into her tiny little body. She weighed 2lbs 3oz and was 15 inches long with a full head of black hair just like I had when I was born. A preemie. She looked like a plastic little doll, so fragile and small. It was in that moment that I began to process what had just happened to me. As difficult as bedrest for 9 days had been, as much pain as labor caused, as hard as her arrival into the world had been...it was all for a purpose. It was all for Emersyn. The most beautiful thing my eyes have seen is this precious girl, my daughter. Brian and I made her out of love, she was a part of my body, and now she is alive and breathing. She's here. Our girl is finally here.   

2/15/11

I wanted her before I knew she existed
She's all I've ever dreamed of
Who knew this little girl growing inside me
Could bring out so much love

She's holding on like a fighter
We are hoping for a few weeks more
Just to hold her, to touch her, to hear her breathe
Is all I am longing for

Her world is just beginning
Through stress, drama and worry
I wish she could understand me
Baby girl of mine, there's no hurry, take your time

The most beautiful baby girl in the world to me
Please God, just let her be

2/12/11

 I had been having a completely normal pregnancy, complete with the nausea, headaches, and worries of a new mom to be. I never anticipated being alone while my other half was serving our country. Things had been crazy and definitely stressful. Brian and I married within a week of learning of his deployment, thanks to some quick acting friends. We traveled to Punta Cana for a week-long honeymoon. We moved from Dallas to Iowa so I could be close to my family during his absence. We drove to Massachusetts to get him settled before his training was to begin. There was so much going on, but everything changed at 1 in the morning on Feb 9th. I woke up in a pool of water and knew something was seriously wrong. I rushed in to wake my Mom and asked her to take me to the ER. That night was one of the scariest of my life. I had no idea what was to become of me or our unborn child but I was only 26 weeks and 5 days into this pregnancy. After several early morning calls to the Red Cross, we were able to get Brian to Iowa from his Army base in the Northeast. He arrived at 8 pm the next day and I was relieved to have him by my side. After some tears we tried to make sense of the situation. The condition is called PROM, or premature rupture of membrane. Why did this happen to me? Possibly an infection or the stress? Had I done something wrong to cause this? The worry is overwhelming at times. I was told I would have to remain on bedrest in the hospital until I delivered our baby...which could mean days or weeks. For an active adult, this was awful news, but I accepted the terms in order to keep the baby safe. I would do anything to keep her safe. Her. The concept of bedrest is much worse than it appears. Laying in bed all day and night without the comforts of home...sure there is internet access, phones, food, and tvs, but it's not like I can leave my room, walk outside, run errands, make dinner, walk the dogs or do anything in my usual routine. Today marks the end of day 4 of bedrest and I am going nuts!

2/8/11

Life can change in an instant. At least that's what everyone says. One minute we're humming along and the next we're completely blindsided and pushed in the opposite direction. That's what happened to us. The phone call came on a lazy Saturday afternoon while the sun was brightly shining on a mild January Dallas day. I walked out of the bedroom to find Brian sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. It took me a brief moment to realize that he was crying.
"I'm getting deployed", he said without looking up.
I felt my whole body freeze there in the doorway, unable to move or think.
"When", I replied as if it was the only word in my vocabulary.
"In a month...to the Middle East"
I felt the emotions rush to my head as I processed what he had just said. My entire body went numb and my knees buckled a bit before I was able to move. I walked over to the couch and sat down. Tears began to flow and I thought to myself, what are we supposed to do now? Shock is the only word I can use to describe that moment. Sure there is fear and worry as well, but shock overcame us as we sat there on the couch and hugged. Was this really happening to us? Why us, why now? The tears and hugging lasted for hours, days, weeks...so did the shock. Brian found out later that evening that he would it would be beginning mid March and lasting for over a year. More than a year of our lives would be spent apart, and not only apart, but an entire world away. I'm sure thousands of men and women experience this on a monthly basis as they learn their loved ones will be deployed to serve their country. Brian had joined the military as an Army Reservist in college to help pay for school, but he had never been called into active duty before. What makes our situation unique is that we had just gotten engaged on Dec 1, 2010...and we are expecting our first baby.