3/1/11

March has finally arrived. Emersyn is 29 weeks and 4 days along gestationally, or 12 days old from birth...confusing as the doctors use both to determine her course of care. She had a rough day Sunday and had lots of apnea spells leading to a blood transfusion and vapotherm breathing support. She is doing better now thankfully. They've stopped her antibiotics for the time being as her labwork has come back without signs of infection and they just turned the humidity off in her incubator. There are so many ups and downs, it is hard to stay calm as her Mom. I haven't gotten much sleep as I feel everytime I close my eyes I think about her. I've tried going to my Mom's twice to sleep, doesn't make a difference as I don't get anymore sleep there then at the hospital. I got to hold her yesterday for Kangaroo Care, I'm so looking forward to her growing stronger so I can hold her every day. It is hard as a new Mom to not be able to hold your child. I can't breastfeed, care for her, hold her whenever I want, bathe and dress her, take her home, comfort her...all I can do is pump breast milk and wait. Every other day I get to Kangaroo, Brian gets his turn the other days...it is hard. The situation is taking a toll on me. This is not the way I imagined my child's first moments here in this world. I wish I could've done something, anything, to prevent my water from breaking, to prevent going into labor, to prevent her from being here in the NICU. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat if I could. Emersyn is our amazing little baby girl. She's proving how strong she is when every day is a struggle. She fights on.